


Among Heretics

by Aespren



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Chapter 53, Chapter 54, Hurt No Comfort, Internalized Homophobia, M/M, Manga Spoilers, canonverse
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-02-18
Updated: 2014-02-18
Packaged: 2018-01-12 23:00:48
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,587
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1203703
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Aespren/pseuds/Aespren
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Armin wanted the conversation to end right there, to go back to the silence that he had sought for escape. He didn't want to hear more; to discover the meaning behind the words. For once, he wanted to be oblivious but he knew that wasn't possible. Being weak in knowledge was the same as being weak in strength, and Armin could never let himself willingly succumb to such a fault.</p><p>So he pushed on, fearing the answer he sought. "He said... he used to be normal."</p>
            </blockquote>





	Among Heretics

"It's... all your fault... I used to be normal... but now look at me." It was those words that started everything.

The feel of the touch on his body had faded to a numbing throb, one he was able to block out if he tried hard enough - though he knew it would never truly go away. The words, however, still echoed clearly in his mind, as if he was still hearing them for the first time. Just what was 'normal?'

That was the main thought running through his mind as he sat in the main room of their newest headquarters, surrounded by his comrades. The atmosphere of the room was light, as if nothing had happened. It had bothered him, but to soldiers who risked their life fighting titans he supposed that events like these were nothing. To Connie and Sasha it was all just a joke; the idea of some man falling for him while he was in female clothes was something to be laughed at. Only Jean, whose hand had rested on his shoulder, had shown concern, but Armin wasn't even sure if it was concern over what had happened or pity that Connie and Sasha were laughing at him. Then Eren... Eren didn't even know what was wrong, a fact that Armin was thankful for, because he didn't want to make him worry... but at the same time, it left him feeling like he was alone.

Eventually, the the words being spoken had been zoned out and Armin had left to go back to the shared bedroom. As he sat alone on the edge of the mattress, he hoped for just a small moment of peace alone with his thoughts before everyone else went off to bed.

"Hey, Armin. Can we talk?"

It seemed that wasn't a possibility though, as Armin looked up at the taller male who closed the door behind him. Jean made his way over to the bed on which Armin sat, taking the spot beside him.

"Something wrong?" Armin asked, his tone a dull knife that barely scraped at the silence. He would much rather just leave it be but he could already tell that this confrontation was unavoidable. His eyes trained themselves on his bunched up hands that rested on his legs, preferring to avoid the contact of the orbs he had stared into just hours earlier when he had been pleading; showing weakness he had sworn off ages ago.

"That's what I wanted to ask you."

"I'm fine, Jean." Armin spoke, letting the lie slip out before the question was even posed.

"Armin, I'm not blind. I know what happened today bothered you." Jean spoke. "...It would bother me too."

Armin continued staring at his hands, avoiding making any acknowledgements that he had even heard the words. He had though, and the meaning behind them slowly started to sink in.

"So don't be ashamed about it." Once again, the hand found its way to his shoulder, this time reaching across so that the weight of Jean's arm could be felt across his back. Armin closed his eyes, appreciating the gesture. He felt the tears welling up at his eyes once again that day, and he remained content in the silence, content knowing that he didn't need to explain himself, that someone understood.

...Perhaps it was okay to show a moment of weakness every once in a while.

"I mean, I can't imagine how gross that would be, having a man run his hands along your body like that."

Armin's shoulders tenses up. A man... Was that what made the situation bad?

Was that what Jean had meant when he said it would bother him too?

"Yeah, that man. That's what's bothering you, right?" Jean spoke, responding to the words that Armin hadn't even noticed had been said outloud.

Armin waited to speak, trying to come up to the right response to what he was feeling. There was no way to describe it though, and instead he could only let out a "Yeah."

"If you're bothered that that you didn't gag him, don't be. I told you that I had it handled, so don't think you didn't do your job or anything."

Armin nodded, pretending that was the issue on his mind. Earlier on it had been, but at the moment his mind could only focus on the implications of Jean's words. He knew that the words were meant as a form of comfort, that the implications behind them were probably just the anger speaking, a way of showing solidarity against a common enemy.

"There was something wrong with his head."

Armin wanted the conversation to end right there, to go back to the silence that he had sought for escape. He didn't want to hear more; to discover the meaning behind the words. For once, he wanted to be oblivious but he knew that wasn't possible. Being weak in knowledge was the same as being weak in strength, and Armin could never let himself willingly succumb to such a fault.

So he pushed on, fearing the answer he sought. "He said... he used to be normal."

"That's just him making excuses. People like that don't just change overnight." Jean declared, the bluntness of his words parelleling that of when he spoke what he believed to be absolute truth.

Like that...

Did that mean he was the same?

"He also said it was my fault." His voice was all but a whisper now. It was as if the louder the thoughts in his mind got, the quieter his voice became.

"Armin, don't worry about what the guy said. He was a total pervert, it has nothing to do with you. I mean, you saw how he looked at you even after finding out you were a guy."

A guy... so that was the problem after all.

Was that the reason why Connie and Sasha laughed? If he had actually been Krista, would it have still been funny? Was that what made this different?

Armin knew he was different, that the way his heart beat around Jean was different than what the others experienced. He also knew well enough to know what it was. He wasn't in denial about it like Franz and Hannah had been, nor was he oblivious about it like so many others he had seen before. He knew what this feeling was. He also knew that it was abnormal, that he wasn't supposed to feel this way.

The way that Mikasa's eyes fell on Eren, or the way that Connie occasionally glanced at Sasha... He wasn't supposed to feel that way, to look at others that way.

Not other males.

"You had nothing to do with it, he was sick."

Sick.

Was that what Jean had meant when he had called his attachment to Eren creepy, all that time ago?

Armin wished that he had never spoken, that he had never gotten upset in the first place. He wished that he could just blot it out, not just the memories but his thoughts and feelings too. He knew nothing would come of them. He knew that the arm wrapped around his shoulders would never wander farther, would never roam over his body like the man's had, and for the moment he was glad because that was the last thing he wanted after what he had been through. ...But at the same time, a part of him was left aching.

Armin sighed, letting the tears fall from his eyes for a brief moment longer, knowing that he would never be able to tell Jean the truth.

"So, are you feeling a bit better now?"

"Yeah." A lie.

"Okay, then we should probably go back out there or something. People are going to wonder where we are." The 'hop' in his voice was enough for Armin to tell that Jean was happy with his answer. It only made Armin feel worse.

"If you don't mind, I'm going to stay here." Armin replied, thankful that his voice had come back to him. "...I'm tired, I'm going to sleep."

"Alright," Jean said, and Armin felt his weight lift off the bed. He waited for the sound of the door; the sound of his escape from this conversation. Before it came though more words echoed across the room, leaving a bitter taste in the air; "If anything else ever bothers you, you can come to me."

Armin nodded. It was all he thought he was capable of in that moment.

A quick "Night" could be heard alongside the closing of the door, and the instant the sounds were gone the blond let his back hit the bed. He stared at the ceiling, wishing for a distraction that he knew wouldn't come. He had come here in hope of silence, which he finally got, but now he didn't want to be left alone with it. He didn't want to be left alone with his thoughts.

He knew that he was the odd one out; the heretic. He had been called that many times since childhood, though never for this reason. He had never shown this side to anybody, for he knew the truth; that the feelings he felt weren't supposed to be conveyed. He had always hoped that wasn't true, that perhaps with the physical changes they were bringing about to the world that more inward changes would come with it. But it appeared that even within the Survey Corps, a group of heretics hated by humanity, even this was not acceptable.

**Author's Note:**

> So originally I had planned to write a story like this after chapter 53. However, I decided against it, but then chapter 54 came out and the dialogue between the man and Armin really made me want to write this again. Though, I think it's possible the man was not specifically talking about sexuality. 
> 
> Still, I really wanted to explore the issue of homophobia in the world of Attack on Titan. The world is a dystopia and I feel like that fact is often ignored when it comes to the social aspect of the world. While we have gay characters, we have never seen the common world view, and I wanted to explore the possibility of it not being ideal.
> 
> Either way, if you made it to the end I'd love to hear your thoughts/feedback on the story or your view of the issue in the world.


End file.
